A Fun Evening on the Town and a Comment on Desire
a true tale
This short story is entirely true, and the events related on this page occurred in mid-2004. It is one several stories which I have written about the magical and near-magical things which seem to happen in those moments or hours or days when we somehow manage to largely let go of the strivings of the mind and instead totally surrender to God, or Being, or Source or Holy Spirit, whatever you wish to call "it", and totally accept our present circumstances, and simply allow pure love to flow for our selves (the mind, the body), the world and for all involved in our present circumstances. At least one or two similar stories also appear on this Leelas website; each about the results of allowing the heart to open and be in a place of acceptance and unconditional love. By the way, in the following story, names have been changed to protect the innocent.
First, some background: I am in my early fifties, am single, and live with a dog, a cat and about 45 chickens, ducks and geese in the mountains in a wilderness area, and thus, I do not often get to see people unless I go to town for some reason. This relative solitude is quite fine for me, as I work from home, and a lot of my work is spiritual coaching and healing done with distant clients. I have lived in my current setting in a remote wilderness area for about nine years, pretty much since finishing graduate school, and since I work from home and am not originally from this area, I still do not have many friends in the area; most of my friends live at some distance, many scattered across the country since finishing graduate school; others live far across the country and I see them only rarely.
For the past several months, I have been involved at times in an active discussion with several friends and acquaintances who are spiritually-oriented on the related topics of desire, wanting, goals, effort, struggle and striving to achieve goals and desires, as well as efficicacy of each. The topic has arisen again and again in recent months, apparently because a lot of folks in our modern world who are on a spiritual path feel confused about desire and wanting. This is largely the case because a number of spiritual traditions say that all desire is bad or at least undesirable, and that ultimately, for us to become spiritually enlightened, we must leave desire and wanting behind, and that we must especially leave all goals -- where goals are a type of formalized desire -- and effort behind. Other traditions state that most desire and all effort or struggle to attain them simply and naturally disappear once we become more enlightened, while others claim that we must actively work to shed or let go of desire; some such systems even market a wide variety of courses on book and tape to teach people how to release or let go of all wanting via mental effort. Indeed, several such systems ofer some subtle and not-so-subtle contradictions in how they are marketed -- promising people they can have all the wealth, fancy stuff, goodies they want, and then also saying not to want and not to desire. However, other spiritual systems and quasi-spiritual systems claim that light desire is harmless and normal, but that any kind of heavy desire, such as wanting, or yearning, which leads to strain, struggle, effort or trying, is inadvisable and ultimately futile.
At this point, since it does relate very intimately to the core of the tale I will be telling here, allow me to share some of my views at this time on this whole matter of desire and effort -- how I currently see the spectrum of desire which ranges from very light desire to heavy wanting and struggle.
Some Comments on Desire, Goals, Effort and Wanting
I see nothing wrong with quick, nearly-instantaneous, passing-through-lightly-as-a-cloud in-sky desire, desires on the order of "wouldn't it be nice if..." or "I'd like....., but it does not matter either way...", and, in fact, I view such light desires are natural and part of life... even at rather advances spiritual states. I further feel that some of these very light are meant to be fulfilled -- often very quickly - by God/Source/Being/Holy Spirit (pick here whichever term works best for you!) and some simply may not materialize or manifest, perhaps becuase they are not in cynchorny with the intentions of Source/Being at that time. However -- and here is where we see why some spiritual systems seem to have an aversion to desire and wanting -- once we attach importance or fear or significance or a charge to that previously ever-so-light light desire, and once we start hanging on to it, and then it becomes, in these stages, each or at least some of the the following in rather rapid succession, and forgive me if I skip a few stages which may be apparent to you... I am simply trying here to offer a quick schema to help the mind grasp the concept of the spectrum of desire:1. quick, nearly-instantaneous, passing-through-lightly-as-a-cloud in-sky desireMy personal feeling from deep within my Self is that the states described in the items numbered 1, 2, 3, 4 and even 5 are very "natural" and normal and fun and while allowing them we are able to remain in Presence and Being and Grace and Ease. Then, however, as we get past number 5, a tiny bit -- a very tiny bit - of attchment and control and a "story" starts to enter the picture. And, at 6, even a bit more of attachemnt and a story, but still rather light, rather clean and it still has some sense of ease. However, as we get into number 7 and beyond -- and unfortunately this happens to everyone alive, due to the programs in the reactive mind which we inherited from collective unconscious as part of being human -- things start getting heavy, and Grace and Flow and Ease start to disappear, and instead, the local mind starts trying to run the show, interfering with whatever God/Holy Spirit/Grace/Being was flowing....
2. very light, passing desire, with no charge, only grace
3. light passing fancy, which we smile at
4. light "wouldn't it be nice" desire
5. light "I'd like" desire, and maybe a tiny bit of importance or significance attached to it
6. desire with some importance and effort attached; a feeling that we will somehow be lacking something if we do not realize this object of our desire
7. persistent desire, with rumination and a story, and some struggle and strain, definite effort
8. wanting, with lots of heaviness and stuckness, and more effort and struggle
9. longing, with its attendant stories (e.g. "I never get what I want", "this never works for me", etc.), heaviness, doubt, fear of not having....and more effort and struggle
10. and the whole cycle has begun... leading to more struggle and strain, more effort, leading to self-criticism, disappontment, unhappiness, and so on
I also see our ability to allow ourselves to shift more and more to only the very light states of desire as being related to age and stage of life, as these factors (age and life stage versus type of desire) seem to be vaguely and roughly correlated, but not all the time in all folks. According to many spiritual systems/traditions and even religious traditions (including Hinduism and Buddhism) and to many different systems within Western psychology (inluding Jung and Maslow, each of whom enunciates somewhat similar schemas of development), we pass thru different stages in life, often roughly correlated with our age. And so, the first ten years are spent in exploring, physical maturation, and learning basics, the next ten in further growth and more social development, and further emotional evolution, the years from 20 thru 40 or 50 (varies from system to system) are spent in wanting, building, striving, lots of goals, many to do with social "needs", family, etc., and almost always include, if I may stress the point... lots of goals and "wants", and lots of struggle and effort, many of which we eventually outgrow. And then we reach the next stage, which depending upon system, is postulated to start somewhare betwen age 40 and 55, which is a stage more of emotional maturation and satisfaction, and spiritual maturation and unfoldment. At this stage, most of the goals involving outer world (family, career, spouses, people, sports activities, friends, sex, donkeys, hobbies) may start to drop away and the person may become far more inner-oriented, far more focused on spiritual intent and inner peace. We are, however, all different -- some folks never reach that latter stage, while others hit it earlier than their peers.
And, as we get into that "spiritual" stage of life, we may retain vestiges of some of the old goals, but they may be far lighter, and more connected with inner values and love and ease and grace than they may have been at earlier stages, and we may be less and less inclined to attach much importance to them, and less inclined to strain or struggle or make effort to reach such goals, but rather be more willing to allow God/Being/Source to handle the details. And, in additin to the points I may have made earlier about this stage, perhaps the biggest signs of this spiritual stage -- for those for whom it occurs -- are the following:
In its farther reaches, this spiritual stage is identical to the stage which the American spiritual teacher Lester Levenson sometimes called "imperturbability", of having no wants or desires, of being at peace. We may still have happy or unhappy days, we may still have days when the old body feels good and other days when it feels sore or tired or creaky, but those things to not go very deep, and are merely surface ripples which we treat kindly and with love and compassion. At such a stage, about the only thing which could deeply perturb us -- and even then not for long -- would be if a mad chemist named Rick in St. Louis were to kidnap our dearly beloved companion Samantha, the gorgeous Barred Plymouth Rock hen. Oops... that is right... I promised myself that I would not drag Samantha into this story.... well, another time for that matter...
- any goals have little or no urgency
- the person feels quite complete and satisfied
- the person is no longer driven by fears
- the person is no longer driven by "wants", or, if they exist, they are very mild and mellow and light
- any desires the person has are very light and easeful
- the person no longer believes that they need this or that in order to be happy
- the person no longer believes that they need this or that in order to be safe or secure
- any remaining goals are not sought ins a driven or frantic or fanitcal way
- the person feels in tune with God/Source; does not feel that they have to "force" life
- any remaining goals are viewed very lightly
- any remaining goals are more "allowed" ot manifest, if best, versus use of any kid of force or effort
- the person has little sense of needing to control or fix life
- the person has little sense of needing to "make things happen"
- the person feels a sense of peace
And now, let us get on to the story at hand, which has much to do with degrees of desire, wanting, effort and struggle....
Early one Friday afternoon in June, I slipped into a very easeful and loving state while meditating and performing a spiritual healing session. And, as I ended the meditation, still very calm and relaxed and in a very accepting place, it came to me that it would be fun to go out on the town that evening with a woman, to maybe go to dinner and go dancing, but mostly, just to have some fun and flirty female companionship, and maybe even to meet and flirt with and talk with some attractive and interesting women. This whole thing was definitely a desire, but with a very light quality, along the lines of "Wouldn't it be nice if..." There was no sense of neediness or heavy wanting attached, and no importance attached to it -- it did not matter to me one bit whether that desire came to happen or not that evening. And -- at least for my logical mind -- there was good reason to suspect that it might not come to pass, since I live in a rural area and do not know many locals, and I already knew that there were no single females among my acquaintance who would likely be able to go out that evening. Further, as I have related earlier, I live alone in the mounttains, and do not tend to go out much in the evening, and it had been literally many, many months since I had gone out to dinner with a female and then gone dancing and exploring the bars and pubs in my town. However, I was simply not attached either way to the outcome of this desire, and thus I decided to make no effort at all in regard to it; I chose to take no steps to try to find someone with whom to party on the town that evening, but simply let go of the whole thing and surrendered it to God/Being/Source. My deep feeling was that if this desire was meant to come to pass, then it would, but I was not planning to make any effort in that realm, and, truth be told, there was little effort I could have made in that realm, as I literally could not think of any suitable candidate woman within 50 miles among my aquaintances who would be available on such short notice for such an outing. And, so, I simply let go of the whole thing, after smiling at the whole desire kindly and gratefully -- grateful because it certainly sounded like fun -- and left it up to God/Source/Being if it were to come to pass. In any case, I reasoned, if I really were to go out on the town that evening with a female friend, it would likely have to wind up as an early evening, as I had awakened at 4 o'clock that morning, and -- in light of that -- to survive much past 10 PM that evening sounded nigh-impossible. And, as it was now getting on mid-afternoon, I quit my mediation and turned my attention to a task which I had earlier promised myself I would get done that day, a chore of packing and shipping a few orders for some distant customers who had purchased some of my research-oriented nutritional supplements.
I managed to stay at my task for only about a half-hour, not nearly long enough to have gotten much work done, and then I was overwhelmed by a deep sense of fatigue and wanting to take a nap. My mind was a little troubled by this sudden emergence of fatigue, because I had been feeling a tiny bit of urgency or pressure in my mind to get these boxes out the door. However, I decided to ignore that urgency, and, rather than fight or struggle with this sense coming from my body, I decided to go to my bedroom and take a nap. I awoke at about 5:30 PM, and was shocked to discover that I had napped for over two hours. Again, a brief feeling of vague urgency arose in my mind that I was somwhow obligated to get those packages out the door pronto, but I simply smiled at those busy-busy feelings, and fixed myself a snack; I had been in a very loving and relaxed state ever since my early-afternoon meiditation, and that feeling feeling of lovingness, expasnsiveness and spaciousness had deepened even further since my nap, and thus I could not take seriously any input from what I call my local mind about urgency. At about 6 PM, my phone rang -- it turned out to be my friend Jenny. Jenny is a very dear and close friend, but she lives some distance away, and I see her only about once per month, and always during the daytime or very early evening, due to the distance, and also due to her schedule and the fact that she has some problems with chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), and thus evening activities are normally impossible for her. Jenny asked me brightly if I would be available to go out with her that evening. We both had a laugh over this request, since this was an outing we had been trying to plan for several years, but had always had to cancel as the time grew near due to her illness. However, Jenny informed me that she had been in exceptionally good health for the past week, with lots of energy, and that she would like nothing better than to finally go out on the town with me for our long-postponed "date". Anyway, I agreed to Jenny's request, and responded that I was available for an outing that evening. I asked her what she would like to do, and she said that she would like to go out to dinner and then go to some pubs -- pubs where the music was not too loud, as both of us dislike loud music -- and do some dancing and flirting. I smiled to myself, because this was exactly what I had wished for earlier in the day, and we made plans to meet in a couple of hours; she was planning to drive to my town and meet me there. I started thanking myself for allowing the nap that afternoon; I would need to have energy if I were to go dancing with Jenny all night.
Well, an hour later, less than an hour before we were due to meet, Jenny called me again and warned me that she might have to cancel our plans, that her fatigue was starting to flare up and she had also received a bit of an emergency phone call from an old boyfriend and might need to deal with him. Any disappointment that the the promised evening might not come to pass was very light and passed quickly, and I warmly told Jenny to simply do what was best for her, that if she showed up, it was great, and if she did was not able to show up, that was also perfectly fine, and I reminded her that I loved her dearly and appreciated her friendship very much, and that the evening together would simply have been the icing on the cake for an already wonderful friendship, and thus I felt no urgency either way about whether the night on the town happened or not. And so, I simply let go of the matter again, surrendering the outcome of the whole thing to Jenny and to God/Source. Well, as things came to pass, Jenny called me 45 mintues later and told me that she had been able to deal sufficiently well with both her fatigue and her needy friend, and that she would meet me in 15 minutes.
Jenny showed up for our impromptu "date" wearing Western boots and tight jeans; her only top was a tiny skimpy denim biker vest, front zipper at half mast, showing plenty of gorgeous tanned hard belly and chest. Jenny is in her mid-thirties, and despite her illness, she is gorgeous. She is a horse trainer, and thus is very well muscled and has a deep dark tan at this time of year due to her outdoor work, she is also very bright and witty, with a very sparkling personality; she also has a strong mystical and spiritual side, and especially due to the latter and to our long friendship, I feel a deep connection with her. She looked absolutely stunning this evening, and it was fun to just look at her. Jenny and I ended up having a wonderful dinner of chili on pasta, with a spot of draft beer, along with some very warm conversation, and then we left her car in the restaurant parking lot and headed into the "pub district" in my car. After trying four pubs, each of which turned out after a few minutes to be too smoky and with too-loud music, we ended up at a downtown pub where the music was not overly loud. The pub had a bar and some nearby stools for video games, as well as about fifteen tables, all of which were packed with folks who had come to hear the live music, and so we ended up sitting at the bar on adjacent stools. It was quite crowded, with about 60 patrons, mostly between the ages of 21 and 45, thus making me, at age 53, one of the older people in the bar. In between dancing and talking, Jenny and I surveyed the interior of the pub, intent on people watching, and, to our delight and amusement, we noticed a group of young people sitting on stools a few stools away from us -- two young women and three young men, and all looked as it they had graduated college within the past year. They were noticeable because the two women were quite beautiful and downright striking, one with dark hair and a gorgeous tan, and her friend with blonde hair and a very strong and healthy athletic build; she was probably a jock, or at least had been one while in college. Indeed, aside from any competition from my friend Jenny, these two women were hands-down the most attractive women in the bar that evening, and it was quite obvious that a number of other bar patrons of both genders were also looking at these young women appreciatively, just as they were also looking at Jenny, but it must be admitted that Jenny, in her boots, bluejeans and tiny biker vest, looked far more formidable and less approachable than the two young college women, and so, while many people of both genders tended to look at Jenny again and again, they seemed a bit afraid to let their glances linger for too long.
At one point in the evening, Jenny noticed that I kept looking over at the two women, and she encouraged me to go over and speak to them, to tell them how beautiful I thought they were. While she insisted that this would be a kind and friendly thing to do, I declined, simply because of sevral factors: the young women were literally half my age, I did not want to intrude on the fivesome of the two young women and their three male friends, and because I am well aware that attractive women get approached a lot in bars, and I simply did not want to be intrusive. Further, I realized that two of the males might well be their boyfriends, and I had no wish to stick my nose into such a situation and cause anyone to feel uneasy or uncomfortable. And so, despite the fact that Jenny kept nudging me to go talk to the two young women, I continued to decline. However, Jenny eventually pointed out to me that the two women had noticed our attentive looks, and were now occasionally shooting us -- or at least me, according to Jenny from her unique vantage point -- friendly looks. This was comforting to me, as it indicated at least that the young women did not mind being looked at (I am politely avoiding saying "stared at"!), and so I continued to allow myself to shoot them and their gorgeous tanned legs some long and lingering appreciative glances. Jenny was no help at all in the matter, constantly making comments such as "I bet you'd love to massage her legs!" with some obvious glee. And, as the evening progressed, as Jenny and I occasionally danced some slightly erotic grainding dances up on the dance floor, we again noticed the young women repeatedly looking at us, although it must be admitted that we were carrying on a bit with a tad of "nasty" dancing, and so it was true that a lot of people were looking at us and smiling.... I seem to remember that my hands were running up and down Jenny's body as we twisted, and our pelvises kept hitting.
As the evening grew later and during a period when the band was taking a break, Jenny turned to me on her stool and informed me that she needed to use the restroom, and that she planned to detour on the way back from the restroom to talk to the band leader, to try to get him to play some slower dance music. She departed briskly toward the back of the bar, and for some reason, likely purely asthetic, I watched her departing backside as she wended her way the rest room. Because I was watching Jenny lightly, I noticed something a bit unusual happen as she briskly passed the two young women and their three male friends who were seated further down the bar toward the back. As Jenny passed, the two women who were friends exchanged glances and looked over at me briefly and meaningfully -- although any meaning was known only to them -- and then back to each other; some kind of signal had obviously pased between them, alhough I was at a loss as to what it meant, or what -- if anything -- it had to do with me... I was briefly puzzled by this development, and since I still had no appetite to intrude on the group of friends, simply to satisfy my idle curiosity, I quickly turned away from them to watch the rest of the bar, returning quickly to a resting state of gentle lovingness and peacefulness. Within seconds, the young blonde woman from the group of friends appeared in front of my face, blocking my vision of much of the crowd. Afraid that I was perhaps obstructing her path to the front of the bar with my knees or long legs, I drew back as best I could to allow her to pass, for she seemed now to have paused in front of me. Indeed, I realized, she was standing in front of me, looking at me silently and with some kind of intent which I could not discern. I looked to the back of the bar and noticed that Jenny had finally made her way thru the crowd to the rest room and her back was disappearing thru the rest room door. As soon as Jenny's back disappeared, the young woman leaned forward into me, draped herself on my left shoulder, and put her face -- reeking strongly of alcohol -- inches from mine, and whispered in my ear, with her lips brushing my ear, "Thank God she's gone, I want you! Who are you!"
For at least a few seconds, perhaps a lot longer, I simply looked at her, eye to eye, and said nothing. I not only did not quite know what to say, but some part of me was rather amused. For example, I am hardly an Adonis -- a quick assesement informed me that I was roughly twice her age, older than most of the men in the bar, and I am relatively skinny, balding on top, and when I smile or open my mouth wide to speak -- and I had done both many times during the course of the evening, in full view of nearby patrons -- my mouth shows a lot of gaps -- it is very obvious even from a distance that I am missing some upper teeth and do not bother to wear bridgework (simply because I hate bridgework and the feel of it and am not at all embarrassed at having a gap-toothed smile...) However, for some reason, this young woman, who had stuck close to her four companions all night and had not approached any other men in the bar the entire evening, was now draped heavily on my shoulder, her hot boozy breath in my face. It was not entirely unappealing, nor was her undulating chest, mere inches from my face. And.... I still did not know what to say to her; I had not yet uttered a word in reply, and was simply smiling at her with a very direct and open look. And so I went to my Heart and Spirit, and asked how to deal with her most gracefully. It immediately came to me that despite her great beauty -- Jenny aside, this woman and her friend were by far the most beautiful women in the bar -- she felt very inadequate, and was seeking love and approval and affection, and wanted to be appreciated. And so, despite the fact that I am usually quite cautious about touching women whom I do not know in bars (or in any setting, for that matter!), I intuitively knew to slide my open left hand off my lap and up her back, very briefly massaging her back and right shoulder, and then placing my hand on her shoulder, squeezing it affectinately. And -- again operating totally on inutition; my local mind had retreated into a corner in shock -- I continued to look her in the eyes with a wide gaze and with loving kindness, and said words which amazed me -- I found myself saying "You are beautiful, you are so very beautiful; I just love looking at you!" As I said this, I realized that we had not yet even exchaged names, nor had I yet answered her question about who I was, but I somehow knew that this was exactly the right thing to say. My local mind, of course, was in shock and babbling something or other about how I was being a bit too direct and too fast; I smiled gently at the words of the mind and gave it some more love.
The woman's response to my words was quite unexpected. While she clearly liked my touch and started to collapse onto me more heavily, her thighs and hips now rubbing against mine, her breasts brushing my arm and chest, she looked at me in amazement and said with a snarl, "You must be drunk if you think I'm beautful. You must be drunk. I'm not beautiful, I'm ugly and you're lying". I continued to rub her back and shoulder with my left hand, and I took my time and then slowly and simply replied that I was not lying and was not drunk, and in fact, I told her that I had only been drinking water at the bar all night since I had arrived. I told her that I am not a heavy drinker, and never get drunk. Still with a bit of a snarl on her face, she told me that she did not believe that I was not drunk, and, to prove her point, leaned across me, and with no further ado, grabbed my glass (filled only with water) from the bar, and took a sip. She then looked at me in amazement and said, "You're right! This is water! You're not drunk! So why do you say I am beautiful?"; there was a lot of pain and self-hatred in her voice. I did not answer, for there was no answer. I simply kept smiling at her, rubbing her right shoulder, upper back and upper arm. We eventually traded names and other basic facts. Her name was Carol; she lived in a city about 25 miles away and had gone to college in North Carolina and had graduated last June, just a year ago. She told me that her dark-haired female companion lived in my town, not far from the pub, and had been her roommate in college. The three young men were simply friends from college days who also lived in the area, and she made some effort to make very clear to me that this was just an outing of old friends from college, and that she was not romantically involved with any of the three young men in her group, nor interested in any other men in the bar. I kept allowing the loving kindness to flow... to her, to me, to everyone....
At some point during our chat, I suddenly felt eyes upon me, and I looked up from my conversation with Carol. I noticed a few couples watching us with curiosity and smiles, and watching our physical contact with a tad of lascivious interest, but that was not what I had sensed... I looked toward the rear of the bar, and there was Jenny -- she had just come out of the rest room and she was standing there, stock still, hand on hips, staring at me, with a wicked and exuberant grin on her face which read something like "Holy mackerel! What have you gotten yourself into now?" (which is how Jenny talks, anyway.... and so I could almost her her voice). She sent me a big smile, then indicated with hand gestures that she would keep herself busy for awhile chatting up the band leader, as she had intended to to. She obviously wanted to give me time alone with this woman, and I sensed that Jenny seemed afraid that if she were to return to me too soon, she would scare Carol off; this assumption on Jenny's part later turned out to be quite presentient. After this brief detour for visual and hand communication, I returned to talking with Carol, and in response to her questions, I told her a bit about where I had gone to grad school and a tiny bit about my scientific consulting; I chose not to mention the mystical or spiritual stuff. I also explained that Jenny was a very dear and close friend, but not my lover, and that she would not be at all jealous or upset that we were talking. I also explained that Jenny and I had promised each other that we would end our evening together, and that I would drive Jenny her back to her car when our night on the town was over -- I hoped that this would indicate gently that I was not available for a pickup that evening. As we talked, I remained in the very expansive loving state which had been with me for most of the day. Shortly, and a bit abruptly, Carol asked me if I could get rid of Jenny and if she could spend the night with me. I realized from this comment that she was quite drunk -- even more drunk than I had initially thought, if she had missed my earlier point about Jenny and I being buddies and partners for the evening -- and so I repeated to her what I had already told her about my agreement with Jenny that we would stick together for the evening. There were several opportunities during our chat to offer Carol one of my business cards bearing my phone number, or to ask her for her phone number, but at each juncture, guided by my heart and by Spirit, I chose not to do so. I simply felt no neediness, and no need to turn this enjoyable and loving encounter into anything more than it was. Suddenly, Carol's head swung to her left, and my eyes followed her glance. Jenny had appeared on the horizon, a few stools away as she made her way from the back of the bar to her vacant stool beside mine. Carol had obviously quickly noticed Jenny as she returned, and, shooting Jenny a slightly hostile look, Carol rapidly disentangled herself from my torso and moved off quickly toward the front of the bar without looking back once at Jenny or me. I had already told Carol twice in the past twenty minutes that Jenny would not be at all jealous at finding us together and entwined, and so I did not even bother to repeat it as Carol moved way; I simply let her go, flowing love and acceptance to her all the way.
Of course, as soon as Jenny was seated, her eyes now very bright and wide, and her face flushed with curiosity, she made me give her a blow-by-blow recap of the encounter. As I did so as best I could in the confines of the bar; Jenny's eyes were aglow, and she made clear that she enjoyed every minute of the tale. As an aside, I noticed that for the next hour or so, Carol refused to look our way, and the few times I tried to catch her eye, she looked quickly away; shooting one or two hostile glances at Jenny (this latter phenomenon, the matter of hostile glances, is an odd one, and it seems to happen to me -- well, to my female companions -- a lot in public places, even in supermarkets, where women who are total strangers give my companions hostile glares, and I have never been able to quite figure it out.) For our part, Jenny and I did a few slow dances together, and then talked some more, and left the bar together at closing, at nearly 2 AM, and I took her back to the restaurant parking lot to pick up her car. Jenny never did ask why I did not ask Carol for her number, or why I had not offered Carol my card and number; she understood well that some things are best left just as they are, with zero effort to make anything more of them. Jenny somehow understood deeply that it had felt right not to push at all or try at all, and rather that I had simply appreciated the moment, the love, the grace, of the brief encounter with beautiful Carol, just as I was appreciating my time with Jenny. She also seemed to implicitly understand why I had not taken Carol up on her offer for a night together if I would but ditch Jenny. In any case, it was true that not only had I promised Jenny that we would end the evening together, but also that Jenny is a dear friend and is downright gorgeous -- I had no need to look further to Carol for "arm candy", as I already had the most beautiful woman in the bar as my "arm candy" and as my warm, loving and appreciative companion for the entire evening. However, I was grateful that Jenny understood implicity the most important point -- that it was all about enjoying and being present in the moment and not about having to create something for the future, to have a goal for later, and so she did not question my behavior, but rather accepted it fully. I simply trusted at the time, and I still trust, that if I am meant to run into Carol again, or hook up with her, it will so happen, and maybe she will not be so drunk this time, but it is not to be forced into happening. However, a cute little story in this vein.... When I later told this tale of my encounter with Carol to two female friends (one a girljock and the other a single 30-year old girlie with long painted nails) they both immediately burst out with: "Well, did you get her number? Have you called her yet? Are you going to get together?" and were both totally incredulous when they learned that I had not bothered to do so and did not care at all either way. Their reaction was that I should have shown more interest in Carol that nite and that I should have pursued her at a later time as well, even if I were unwilling to sleep with her that night. I tried briefly to explain to these two friends that I simply appreciated the contact and the love at the time, the Grace present in the moment, with no need to make more of it.... and I dropped the whole thing immediately when the look on their faces showed me that they had no idea of what I was talking about. God bless them too!
Hopefully this story has served to illustrate some of the points I tried to make earlier about light desire, about lack of striving an effort, and about ease. If not, I hope at least that you had fun reading it! I r emain very grateful for and appreciative of that entire evening with Jenny, as well as that singular twenty-minute encounter with Carol that night.
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